triste

in a completely random fit this afternoon, well, tonight, actually, i just all the sudden got really down in the dumps. actually, i'm in the throes of meloncholy. i'm really sad. not in a sort of huffy way because i'm unsatisfied with friends or whatever, but i'm sad because i just am. i love my friends, they like me, i know i'm always welcome to hang out with them, sure, they might tease me, but they don't believe anything they say. i have no reason to be sad, and that's why i am convinced that i just needed a sad day. i've decided that i'll start to come out of it tomorrow night. tomorrow can be a mellow day for me to recover from it all. today was a lack of sleep day, so i looked pretty rough and no one seemed to mind, so tomorrow i'll be rough looking again, and then after class i'll eat a good lunch, work out at the gym, maybe go to a bookstore and read a book, and then by dinnertime or whenever i hang out with people again, i'll be withdrawn but increasingly happier. and i think that should work.

it's just been so long since there was so little wrong with life that i think i'm used to having bad days where i need to just sit back and not talk to anyone for a few hours. i wish josh would get online; he's really understanding about that sort of thing.

i've realized recently that even if i am slightly crazy and very dorky and a little snobby from time to time and very quiet and withdrawn every so often, people still like me. so that's good, to be accepted. working on that last rung of maslow's.

so now i'm listening to the HDC's cd. dont know why i still have it, or why i'm listening to it, but it makes me sad to think that that was the longest relationship i've ever had, the most loving and serious. and it was 3 freaking months. maybe i'm just not the long-term sort. maybe i'll die single and virginal. then i'll really have a reason to be a crazy old woman. i'd hate to die a virgin, but if push comes to shove, i'm not giving that one up. not without a wedding band on my finger to someone my sisters and friends and family approve of. and none of that 'well, yeah, he's ok' stuff, but the real 'oh i love him- invite him over too!' sort of thing. but i'm thinking that's probably not going to happen, not for a very very long time. and that sort of depresses me too. maybe that's part of it. i'm resigning myself to the life of a nun at 19. i just don't think i'm able to stand someone for the rest of my life, living with them and looking at them. maybe i'll grow up enough to handle it, but it's not looking like it. i ought to be at least a little more mature by now, enough to make good dating decisions. i just get so easily flattered that i get carried away into boys that i know i have no business dating. i know my standards.

so thta's what it really is. i'm giving up on sex, it appears. no kids for me. i think i could be a good mom, but if that's what it needs to be, so be it.

of course, if i meet the boy of my dreams tomorrow, i reserve the right to take this all back. but if i don't, then... i guess that's ok too. i can wear red and orange and not have to worry what my husband will think, ever. i'm too selfish to be married, too. not too big into that whole sharing thing.

but now it's time for me to mope a little bit more... you know how it/i is/am.

your virginal redhead for all time

love
lindseyl